The maddest movie in the world

Imagine a film directed by Stanley Kubrick, written by Lewis Carroll with a visual feast designed by Baz Lurhman. The movie progresses as a stream of consciousness, with the key protagonist narrating the entire time. It would go something like this:

“Oh, I’m awake. I was asleep. Why am I awake now? MUMMMMMYYYY. No, not you, Mummy, I want Daddy. Oh, Daddy. No, I want Mummy. I want breakfast. I want Weetos. Thank you, Daddy. <Sniff. Bottom lip tremble> SOB! YOU GAVE ME WEETOS! I WANTED WEETOS AND YOU GAVE ME WEETOS! <Suddenly, tears dry up>. Mmm, I love Weetos. I want my hair done. My sister is having her hair done. I want mine done. NOW. NOW, MUMMY, NOW. Oooh, look – a squirrel.

“I’m outside. I can see the chickens. I will feed Buzz Lightyear to the chickens. Here you are, chickens. SOB! THEY’RE PECKING MY BUZZ LIGHTYEAR! MUMMMMMMMYYYYYY! Ooooh, look – a squirrel. I’m in the car. I want to walk. I WANT DOWN! MUMMMMMMMYYYYY! DOWN! I don’t want to walk. Mummy, tuddle. TUDDLE, MUMMY! You can push the pram, carry Big’s school bag AND carry me! Mummy! TUDDLE! Down. Down, Mummy.

“Mummy, it’s a Gruffalo! IT’S A GRUFFALO! Do you agree, Mummy? Yes. NO, IT’S NOT A GRUFFALO! <Bottom lip tremble> Ooooh, look – a squirrel. I want to do a puzzle. No, I do it myself. Help, Mummy. NO, I DO IT MYSELF! GO ‘WAY. MUMMMMMYYYYY!

“Lunches. I want my lunches. MUMMMMYYYY. Mmmm, pasta. <Inhales food> Lollipop. I want a lollipop. Fank you, Mummy. <Inhales lolly> Mummy’s lap. I want Mummy’s lap. I want to tidy up. I will throw all the play food out of the kitchen so I can tidy up. Ooooh, look – a squirrel. Why is there play food everywhere? MUMMMMMYYYY!

“Where’s Big? Big is at pre-school. I want Big. <Bottom lip tremble>There’s Little. I want to stand on Little. Stop it, Mummy, let me stand on Little! Oooh, look – a squirrel.

“It’s bath time. I don’t want a bath. I don’t want to get out of the bath. I want to do drawing. I want to draw on the bath. I want to draw on my sister in the bath. <Bottom lip tremble> I want to be asleep. I am asleep.”

The movie’s title? A day in the mind of a two-year-old. Exhausting.

The maddest movie in the world

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